What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:46
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was seconnd youngest,
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Was to survive, this bastard.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I said to her
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Put me off passion for life!!
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Especially a lifetime of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When she asked me how she looked .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?